Ecstasis Blog

I know it’s been a while since my last post. I’ve been trying to recharge my batteries this summer after a fast-paced and very full year. I thought I’d jump back in by writing on something that usually isn’t a topic for leaders – love.

Leaders aren’t supposed to love their people. Or are they? Authentic leadership may indeed mean offering yourself to your people in order to enable them and empower them to bring their very best to the enterprise. That sure sounds like love to me.

Many have tried to defined love. To me, love is a capacity for mature mutuality between two people; it transcends childhood dependency. Love is a free choice to be connected to another person. We freely and intentionally choose to establish and maintain a connection with another person, sharing ourselves as completely as we can. This is real intimacy.

In an earlier posting I suggested that intimacy is the sharing of oneself with another person. This is what I’m referring to when I say that a strong sense of identity and loyalty to one’s values are crucial to our capacity for this leadership trait – love. Intimacy involves sharing one’s “Self.” If I don’t have a strong sense of who I am, how can I “share” myself with others in relationship? I can’t. That sets up a situation that invites dependency on another person rather than a mature mutuality.

Before we get all tangled up about my use of the word intimacy, let’s say that there is a difference between sharing personal aspects of our lives and private ones. If we are seeking to connect with others in order to lead them, we must be willing to share some things about ourselves that are personal. Something can be personal without being private. Indeed, responsible leaders know how to share personal aspects but not private things that others have no need or right to know. A willingness to be vulnerable has been found to be key to forming connections with others. When we are incapable of being vulnerable, of real intimacy we live isolated lives. It is hard to lead others from a place of isolation.

I think that love is an important leadership trait. Business occurs through relationships. Our capacity to love and be loved enables us to create and maintain a web of significant relationships. We all want to be loved. We all want to have someone to love. A desire and capacity to love is foundational to effective leadership.

• What must your life look like for you to say confidently that you are a loving person?
• Who do you love?
• How do they know that you love them?
• Who loves you?
• How do you acknowledge their love?

Love is one of those things you can’t talk about; you have to do it. To more deeply embody this leadership trait you need to get out there and love. Someone said it’s all you need.

Begin by taking some time to love yourself. If you haven’t already, set a regular time and place to create a retreat for yourself. Allow yourself some regenerative silence to attend to your life, imagine what your best life looks like, and move to make your best life a reality.

Pay attention to your most important relationships. Summer is a time of rest, regeneration, and renewal. Before your go head down into September, focus some attention and intention on being a person who loves and is loved. It will make you a better leader. I guarantee it.

Sam Keen wrote a wonderful book entitled To Love and Be Loved. I recommend it highly if you want to deeply explore this important leadership trait more thoroughly.

…And in the end the love we take is equal to the love we make.
Lennon and McCartney

The other day I read the obituary of John Finn. John Finn was the oldest surviving recipient of the Medal of Honor. He was awarded this honor for his extreme bravery during the attack on Pearl Harbor in WW2. John Finn never thought he was a hero or did anything worthy of such fuss. He enlisted at 17 to fight for his country. He saw himself like most of the others who have worn the uniforms of our country and fought and died on our behalf; he “just did what I was paid for.”

As we gather with friends and family this weekend for barbeques and picnics, and ballgames, we need to make time to remember and honor the sacrifice of so many over the years. We need to make time to say “thank you” to the men and women who are serving today. We need to reflect on the choices that we make every day and ensure that we are living in a way that is worthy of the sacrifice made on our behalf and do what we can to keep our country safe and free.

On thing I’ll do this weekend is retell the story of my grandfather, a WW1 veteran. I posted this story on Facebook last Memorial Day. For those of you who didn’t see it then, here it is:

I never met my grandfather, but I heard stories about him from my father. One story in particular stands out, as it was told every year on Memorial Day. My grandfather was an Italian immigrant who came to America as a boy. He loved his new country. When World War I broke out, he put on the uniform of his new country and fought in the trenches of Europe alongside other new Americans. He came home from the war and began a family with my grandmother. My grandfather died in 1939, when my father was 10 years old. He died of complications from mustard gas poisoning during the war years earlier. If that were where the story ends, it’d be a good story, one worth retelling to my children and to their children. It’s a story of patriotism, sacrifice, and service. But it doesn’t end there.

I grew up in Bloomfield, NJ, a small town like many other small towns that has a proud tradition of celebrating our country. Every Memorial Day, Bloomfield has a parade through town to honor those who have given their lives for our country. As a boy, I marched in that parade with my boy scout pack. After the parade there was a big picnic on the town green. I don’t know how long Bloomfield has been having its Memorial Day parade, but I do know that they had one in 1939. I know that because of the story about my grandfather. You see, he died a couple days before Memorial Day in 1939. As was the custom in those days, he was laid out in the living room of the family home for visitation before the funeral mass and burial. Something happened that day, that hasn’t happened since. The town changed the parade route. The parade went right past my grandparent’s house to honor his life and his service to his country.

My father told this story every Memorial Day. My father and his four brothers all served our country, two during World War II, my father immediately following the war, and the youngest two during the 1950s. They’re all gone now, but their children, my brothers and sister and my cousins, still tell the stories of these men who learned about patriotism and service from their father. Hopefully we not only remember these stories, but learn from them as well. And there’s a lot to learn.

We all have stories like this one. We honor those who gave their lives for our country by telling their stories and by living our lives with gratefulness for their sacrifice and a determination to do our best to live up to the example they set.

“To thine own self be true.” William Shakespeare, Hamlet

There’s a lot of talk about the need for corporate loyalty. We want workers who are loyal to the company and will give their all. But, what are we asking them to be faithful to? Who is calling them to corporate fidelity? Are the leaders loyal to the purpose and values of the organization? Is the leader faithful to himself?

Fidelity, faithfulness, or loyalty – whichever term you like most – begins and ends with fidelity to self. We are capable of fidelity to others or to a cause because of our fidelity to Self and to our personal values and beliefs. Without a sense of personal loyalty there is no way we can be loyal to others; it just isn’t possible. Fidelity and identity are linked. The clearer we are about who we are, the more we can demonstrate fidelity in our interactions with others.

As we progress through life we are forming our identity. There are two particularly intense periods of identity formation – when we are toddlers and when we are adolescents. When we are toddlers we either learn to be autonomous or learn to doubt our own abilities. During adolescence we experience an equally intense period of identity formation. Every thought, feeling, and action of the adolescent is motivated by the drive to answer the question “Who am I?”

As we each continually ask ourselves the question “Who am I?” ideally we will come up with one clear, comprehensive and consistent answer to this question. No matter whom we are with or what we are doing, it is the same person that people encounter. We develop a fidelity to our identity. We reach a point at which we would change our friends to match our principles rather than change our principles to match our friends. This is what Shakespeare meant when he wrote, “To thine own self be true.”

What happens if instead of one clear, comprehensive and consistent answer to the question “Who am I?” we develop a series of disconnected and inconsistent answers to this question? That is, we act differently in different situations depending upon whom we are with and what we are doing. We are not loyal to ourselves. We allow others and situations to form our identity for us.

Erik Erikson called this state identity confusion. We lack a sense of personal fidelity. We are externally defined. Existing in this way, we experience a tremendous sense of isolation. We lack companions. We may also have a tendency to become intolerant and repudiate those things, people, or values that we view as alien. Our weak and externally defined sense of identity cannot tolerate diversity. It causes too much disruption to the delicate balance we maintain to ensure that our sources of identity don’t disappear on us. In my private practice as a psychotherapist and my work as a leadership consultant I have met many grown men and women who continue to be externally defined; they’re stuck in identity confusion.

Here’s another of my little quizzes to self-check. Today’s topic is personal acceptance and loyalty.
Respond “yes” or “no” to the following statements.

I am comfortable in my own skin. YES NO
I believe I am intelligent. YES NO
I am a spiritual person. YES NO
I stick to my principles. YES NO
I am well informed politically and act accordingly. YES NO
I like my body. YES NO
I am in the career of my choosing. YES NO
I am quick to anger and slow to forgive. YES NO
I am a loyal friend and colleague. YES NO
All the people who know me would describe me the same way. YES NO
I wouldn’t trade places with anyone. YES NO

We own our own answers. If you want a different answer, what action will you take to make it real?

Fidelity to others begins with fidelity to yourself, your ideals, and your values. What do you value? Where and from whom did you get these values? Many times we incorporate the values of our parents when we ourselves become adults. Is this the case with you? Or did you search out and find your own set of values? Two questions are critical when considering this trait of Fidelity and our core values:

What do you stand for?
What will you not stand for?

Here’s an assignment I give to coaching clients sometimes:

Consider the question, “Who am I?” Write either the company communication announcing your retirement or your obituary. How will the people in your life answer that question for you? Is your legacy reflective of whom you are, what you value and believe?

The awareness we create through attending to who we are and the insight we discover by connecting with our truest and best selves are the tools we need to lead with authenticity and power. Our goal is to be able to say with confidence and conviction, “This is who I am. These are my values, my beliefs. This is the person I choose to be. I am on the path of my own choosing and the journey of my own making.”

I was talking with someone the other day and he said something that stopped me in my tracks. The person is a pretty senior leader. We were talking about an initiative that he is heading up that is very important to his company’s overall strategy. There is one aspect of the work that he seemed to be hesitant about. I asked what was up and he said that while he knew this particular element was vital to their work, it was getting push back from one quarter. He said he was considering dropping because he didn’t want to “get in trouble.”

WHAT?!

I looked him right in the eyes and said, “I have news for you. You’re too old to get in trouble. You can get fired, arrested, divorced, injured, or killed; but you can’t get in trouble. How old are you anyway? Kids get in trouble. Adults experience consequences. Let’s talk about the possible consequences.”

“I’ll get in trouble” is a lame excuse. A leader may decide not to take a particular course of action; but it shouldn’t be because “I’ll get in trouble.” It should be because a careful assessment of possible consequences leads to a reasoned decision to alter course. Part of the careful assessment of the possible consequences includes an assessment of risk to the organization, the team, and the leader. The primary question becomes, “How much risk can I tolerate?”
I’m all for self preservation. But deciding to do or not do something based upon whether or not “I’ll get in trouble” seems risk avoidant. It’s a defensive posture. Winning requires we play a little offense. Playing offense presumes risk. That’s the price of admission to leadership.

After my little rant on being too old to get in trouble we got down to strategizing a way forward. We examined the current political realities in the organization. We explored options and weighed the risks associated with each one. In the end he found a way forward which navigated the political waters and gave him (and the organization) a win.

We’re too old to get in trouble. If we are willing to accept the consequences of our actions, we should assess the situation, consider the consequences, assume the risk, and act. That’s what leaders do.

Today, President Obama signed into law a bill that reforms America’s health care system. Regardless of which side of the political spectrum you may occupy, this is significant change. We’ll leave the political debate to another time and place. I’d like to talk about change and our relationship to it.

Most of us would say that change is good. And, still most of us don’t like to change. We change constantly when we are younger without even thinking about it. We change physically, cognitively, emotionally, and psychologically as we age and learn. As we get older, we become settled and more and more resistant to change. We like things the way they are. We become comfortable. We know where everything is. This is a precarious mindset to maintain in today’s world. It is a dangerous mindset for leaders.

Cisco Chairman and CEO John Chambers said recently, “Change is great when it happens to somebody else. When it happens to us, it makes us uncomfortable. And yet, countries, companies or individuals who do not change will be left behind.” Truer words were never spoken. So what is Chambers saying? I believe he is calling us to be uncomfortable. If we want to be leaders in this new economy we need to look for ways to lead change and not react to it. We need to recapture the openness and curiosity of youth and be willing to be uncomfortable.

I hear many people I work with talk about wanting to find balance. Balance is easy when we are standing still. It is much more difficult when we are moving. In life and business today, we are almost never standing still; and if we are, that means someone is passing us by. I counter that we should not seek balance; we should seek to get better at the act of balancing while we keep moving forward. We don’t have the luxury of standing still.

I’m not advocating change for change’s sake. I am saying that we must always examine the status quo with open eyes and a willingness to push ourselves and others out of our comfort zones to produce positive change. The mindset that serves us best when it comes to change is the mindset of openness and curiosity. This is the mindset of ongoing learning. If we aren’t learning, we aren’t leading.

Leadership is not about having all the answers all the time. Leadership is about gathering the right people and harnessing the right resources to create positive change. When leaders do this, they are in no danger of being “left behind.” On the contrary, they are out in front, embracing change, managing the correlative anxiety of uncertainty, and dealing with their own discomfort in order to help others with theirs. There is an amount of discomfort associated with any change. If we are to lead, we must become comfortable with being uncomfortable.

Coaching is a great way to evoke and sustain disruptive positive change in the individual and the team and organization at the same time. The effect of great coaching is both linear and nonlinear as the person being coached has a new and more powerful impact with others in the organization.

A simple definition of coaching is to enable positive transformation. The leader as coach has conversations with teams and individuals to evoke and sustain disruptive positive change. That’s what matters! An important rule for leaders (whether you’re in coach mode or not) is Inquiry Before Advocacy. The leader as coach spends more time asking questions and less time telling someone what to do. It’s that simple.

There is always a time for advocating for ourself, our team, our position. Yet, leading with advocacy may actually get in the way of what we really want much of the time. When we advocate, we are telling someone what we would do or what she should do. Leading with advocacy results in two horrible situations taking hold in the team or organization. First, the leader becomes ‘solution provider’ and as such, people become dependent upon the leader to always provide the solution. When the leader isn’t around to provide the solution, activity grinds to a halt. You may like being the solution provider; but, is that in the best interest of the organization? Probably not. Second, and even worse, when we lead by advocating a solution we may be unwittingly communicating that we don’t believe the person could come up with the solution themselves (a disrespectful assumption) and creating or strengthening a belief in the person that they are not competent. Either way we are left with a very disempowered and disengaged person.

Leading with inquiry has two real benefits for the leader and the organization. First, inquiry invites curiosity. It is contagious. I asked a leader I coach to show up to meetings one day and only ask questions. The people with whom she works were used to her advocating positions and providing solutions, not asking questions. She reported the experience and results were amazing. Her intentional curiosity begat more inquiry from the others in those meetings. As a result the solutions they came to were richer and had more support from the team. The bigger pay off was for her brand. People were impressed with how she contributed to the process and invited others to fully participate through her questions. People are talking differently to her and about her.

Two simple rules to help you become a more effective leader/coach:
1. 80/20 – Coaching (and leading) is 80% listening/20% telling. Be curious. Ask questions. Help people find their own solutions.
2. To help with #1, Remember WAIT (Why Am I Talking?). There’s no chance you’ll learn anything new while you’re talking. So stop.

We’ve been working with a client for some time now and the moment has arrived to open up the subject of how to deal with conflict. We wait to do this because we want the team to grow their awareness and capacity for working together before jumping into a discussion about a part of their work that is, for many an emotionally charged topic.

Each of us has a relationship to conflict. We react differently when experiencing conflict; we behave differently when faced with conflict. Why is this? I believe that conflict arises because of a discrepancy between competing realities. Problems exist between us because my reality isn’t yours and vice versa. We all assign meaning to things, events, and experiences. Because we are unique, our meanings are unique. We may share an experience, but we assign different meaning to the experience. When the difference is great, the result can be conflict.

When it comes to our relationship to conflict we each have a primary tendency. We either confront conflict and deal with it head on or we avoid conflict at almost any cost. This tendency to confront or avoid conflict is driven by what we believe about conflict and the imagined consequences of either confronting or avoiding it. Do I see conflict as good or bad? Threatening or not? Whatever we believe, we have a deep and powerful commitment to that belief. We probably have memories of experiences that support our belief. Our commitment to our belief about conflict may be in direct contradiction with a belief around wanting to drive a business objective forward successfully. Robert Kegan in his writing posits this idea of “competing commitments.”

To grow our capacity to handle conflicts in an appropriate manner, we want to engage in some self-reflection on our beliefs about conflict and what happens in conflict (specifically, what happens to me in conflict). This self-reflection evokes greater awareness of our competing commitments.

We wait to have a conversation about conflict to allow for relationships to form and grow within the team so that the team can stay present to the conversation on conflict and on the actual conflicts that may exist within the team and among and between team members. We are driving toward a shift in awareness. Shifts in behavior aren’t sustained without shifts in knowing what is driving the behavior. Shifts in knowing – greater self-awareness – lead to real, lasting change. Understanding our relationship to conflict is one step toward being able to lead others with greater effectiveness.

Hi. Sorry it’s been so long. As we start a new year, I want to revisit something I wrote about way back in June (The Power of “The Sentence”). In the first year of this new decade, knowing what our “sentence” is may bring greater focus to our work and lives. I watched a short video on Dan Pink’s web site that also references “The Sentence” and adds in a great second question. Here’s a link (but don’t go yet) http://bit.ly/8Dwrsm. There are two questions that we might strive to answer today (and everyday). They are: 1. What’s my ’sentence?’ and 2. Was I better today than yesterday (at living my sentence)?

I’m reflecting on my sentence. I’ll keep you posted on my progress with living it out.

Happy New Year!

Quality is never an accident. It is always the result of high intention, sincere effort, intelligent direction and skillful execution; it represents the wise choice of many alternatives.
Willa A. Foster

As we look at what is happening around the world in the public sector and the private, the challenges before us are significant and many. When we look to leaders, we have the right to ask, “Do they have what it takes to lead?” We can only hope that our leaders have the competence, will, and sense of hope that we can address our challenges. Leaders are called to develop the competence of their people. Competence is not just about aptitude; it is also about attitude. Competence is, like leadership itself, a combination of what we can do and how we go about doing it. We have to ask ourselves the same question, “Do I have what it takes to lead?” Since we lead by example, if we want to develop the competence of our people, we are the starting point. We must grow our own competence first.

In a previous posting, I wrote about Purpose. I suggested that having a sense of purpose is about finding the courage to imagine and pursue valued goals. Competence then is all about having the capacity to get the job done! We feel competent when we can freely imagine, start, and finish a task in a way that is deemed satisfactory by ourselves and by others. I would suggest that you are in the position you are because you have the competence to succeed. The challenge for each of us is remembering that and continually growing that capacity to succeed.

In the face of extreme challenges, it is possible for flashes of doubt to influence our behavior. When this happens, we experience inertia; we have energy but we remain stuck in neutral by our feelings of inferiority. We lack the capacity to focus our energy and think and act in an industrious and productive way. We do not feel competent. When we face extreme challenges – like those many are facing this year, we can forget what we are good at and we can stop focusing on growing ourselves. Leadership development is one of the first things jettisoned in a down economy. It is considered a luxury. Nothing could be further from the truth – and the most prudent path. Now is always the right time for some self-reflection and self-affirmation to remind ourselves that we have what we need to succeed! Great leaders are always open to and engaged in the personal and professional development. As the man says, “If you’re not getting better, you’re getting worse.”

What do you know you are good at? Where have you experienced your greatest successes? How do you maintain your skill level? These are a few of the questions you might ask yourself as you attend to who you are in regards to competence.

How might you respond to the following statements?

I have experienced success in one or more endeavors. YES NO
I got a lot from my education. YES NO
I am realistic and honest in my evaluation of myself. YES NO
I have a good number of friends and a satisfactory social life. YES NO
I can start and finish projects with self-imposed deadlines. YES NO
My colleagues know me as a likeable team player. YES NO
I like to learn new things. YES NO
I participated in many different activities as a child. YES NO
I work and play well with others. YES NO
I am always reading at least one book. YES NO
I am confident about my abilities. YES NO
I just can’t seem to get moving on anything. YES NO

These questions, and your answers to them, indicate your self-assessment regarding not only your aptitude, but your attitude as well. Both aptitude and attitude impact our level of competence. With your answers to these questions as a starting point, the key question is, “What’s Next?”

Where is there room for improvement as a leader? WHere is there room for improvement in your life? What would you like to be able to do better? Or do at all? Would you like to be a better leader? Would you like to swim better or sing better or speak in public better? Do you want to be a better coach or mentor? Do you want to pursue more education? Do you want to learn to paint, or sculpt, or cook? Connecting with your truest self means discovering what you value, moving in that direction, and working to develop your gifts so you can most completely and honestly express who and what you are.

Here’s an exercise I do with some of my coaching clients:

• List five things you would like to do better or learn to do. (Your answers suggest that these are activities you value and would like to incorporate your life.)
• To move increase your competence at these things, what might you do?
• What will you have to stop doing?
• What keeps you from reworking your calendar to reflect your decision to make time to incorporate these activities into your life.
• Develop a plan of action for each activity (How much time will it take? How often will you engage in this activity? Do you need assistance to learn or relearn how to do this activity? If so, go get it.).

You know what you want to do better and you know which of your gifts you want to connect with more fully; it’s now just a matter of prioritizing and scheduling. You have what it takes to lead – and, you can always get better.

Two Brothers

Yesterday was the anniversary of my father’s death 31 years ago. Today is the anniversary of my Uncle Billy’s death. I usually remember these two men on their birthdays rather than on these days, but when sitting to write today’s post, I could not help but think about these two brothers. They were both good fathers and husbands – and leaders. They were both very funny, though my uncle was funnier. They both felt a strong calling to be of service to the community. They were both involved in the church and our community. One played a more formal role; my father was a politician who worked inside the system to effect change. My uncle was an organizer; he brought people together to bring about change from outside the political system. His store (a great deli-luncheonette!) was a gathering point for conversations about how to improve local schools, how to support the youth of the town, how to make people feel a part of their community.

I grew up in a small town in New Jersey. As a boy, it seemed everyone knew my father and he knew all of them. He touched people. He was respected as a man of integrity, a stubbornly honest man. People knew that he cared for them. My father would go out of his way to help strangers. His circle of concern seemed to have to no outer edge; there was room for everyone. It is a characteristic that I will admire and try to emulate for as long as I live.

We moved from New Jersey to Arizona when I was 12. Four and 1/2 years later my father would be gone. What strikes me is that in a very short time in Arizona, he had built up the same reputation and circle as he had in New Jersey. It was his brand! At his funeral, the church in Arizona was standing room only. We’d only been there for four years! Where did all these people come from? There was a memorial service in New Jersey as well. Again, SRO. These people hadn’t seen my father in four years, yet there they were, coming out to remember a man who had touched their lives in a positive way.

My Uncle Billy was the youngest brother. I think he looked up to my father. I know that my father loved his youngest brother and saw him as a very good man. Like my father, my Uncle Billy knew everyone and everyone knew him. He was a character. He was funny and fun to be around. He was also a loving and caring man who took care of his family and his extended family. Like his brother, stubbornly honest, he was a leader in the community and when he passed, neither the town nor our family was ever the same.

When I was in my early 20s I got fired from my first job out of college (I recommend that everyone get fired at least once!). Not knowing what to do, I called Uncle Billy. Without hesitation, he invited me to come and stay with he and his family for “as long as it takes” to figure out what I would do next. (The fact that my Aunt Marge blessed this and welcomed me into her family will never be lost on me! He married well.) I spent six months with my aunt and uncle, living in their home and working in “the store.” Mostly, I got to spend time with him to listen and learn the life lessons that I needed to hear and didn’t get a chance to hear from my father. And as my father and uncle were so alike, it was like getting a two-fer!

I’m writing about these two brothers today because to me they are exemplars of what it means to be a man and what it means to be a leader. There are three things that I think are true about both of them – and true for great leaders. First, they were conscious. They knew who they were and they saw the world as it was and as it could be. They were life-long learners, eager to learn about themselves and how they fit in the world. Second, they were connected. They felt a connection to the community and the needs and wants of many others. This sense of connection had a sense of responsibility with it. And third, they were concerned. Seeing people facing challenges, they responded with concern and compassion, letting others into their circle of concern. These things – being conscious, connected, and concerned – are foundational to being great leaders and good men. These things, these two brothers had down – flat.

They say that we men live our lives comparing and contrasting ourselves with our fathers. Our decisions are born of our desire to be like them and to stand apart at the same time. They may be right. What I do know is that if I am half the man, half the father, half the leader that these two brothers were, I’m doing pretty damn well. Both left us way too soon; and both left big shoes! Thankfully, they left a blueprint for how to live and how to lead.